KAYCHAN

FEELING AS RAINING

There is an interesting interpretation of the Chinese proverb "念念不忘" originating from India sutra. It says that the word "念念" refers to a thought at a moment, which is too short to catch up. It reminds me of the experience when I had exactly the same feelings. And so is now. 

Just a few minutes ago, I was lost in my confusing thoughts about why I am still unemployed. Then I had the picture flashing in my head: I was watching the raining through the dark and broken window, feeling like I was abandoned. And now the empitness is haunting me back. I am not in a very goog zone of my life. 

I have been thinking a lot recently. Maybe I was far from qualified to realize my ideal before I got well prepared in either the economical way or the spiritually way. Without some valuable stuff to devote into, I am somehow turning into a loser. If only I had enough money and love from a constant company, I would not feel so terriable. I am sentimental now, with my orientation on future slowly fading away from me. The rain inside me is too heavy to appreciate. 

I aim for something different that is good in a unique way. I have so many visions to realize while I am now restricted by my situation. I never find it so important for me to hold on to a job until I don't get one now. Is it wrong to follow my faith and chase my dream? Or is it because I was not born with any kind of advantage? Why am I so tired to do something big? And why are all these complaint and self-denying?

I have had a great vision for my life. I want to work hard and be a person who can enjoy her life with freedom. Before I reach that, I had better get a job. Even for that, I am not quite sure now. Today is the first day of my sixth month after my resignment from GUT. I had never expected it to be so long before I can find a new one. This may be the invisible pressure on people working in a global city like Beijing. It has been over 3 years since I graduated from college. But I am worse now. 

As I did previsouly, I cared more about how much I would earn than be given from the society, for I believed in myself with such good and firm attitude to learn. That was a chance to fill up my shortcoming as an over-aged graduate. And now, it seems that I had blown it away. 

Thinking back, I am just being myself.  I will not buy the helpless reality that I would never make a difference. I pursue to be a talent in visualization design cross-border. The more I struggled, the clearer it becomes. I am happy that I am holding on all the time. What really makes me unhappy is that I am having no social circles brought by a job, a club or a class. I am sick of being alone with myself. 

Or, maybe I need more time spent on myself. Whenever I feel lost, I have my ways to fill the emptiness inside. Study and Sports. 

I really want to make those tow big deals of my life, whenever I am or not with someone. I would like to treat them as my routines to eat and sleep. In that way, I will win more silence as well as peace for my heart, and put full use of my life time. I warn myself not to waste any time long ago. Sometimes I lost the way, because it is not easy to get rid of the  negative feelings. Well, people would make now achievement when he feels bad about himself. 

Therefore, I guess I am just blinded by the present obstacles right now, for I know exactly who I will be. A job not for a lifetime should not be such a great concern. Sooner or later, I would get one. Instead, time waits for nobody. And it is time that I should dedicate to learning.

May I always feel calm.